


you don't want to be alone

by popkozume



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love, this is my life except a little more angsty bc why not, vent fic tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 17:10:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9081826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popkozume/pseuds/popkozume
Summary: love? yeah, that shit sucks.





	

he pushed the other away, with a facade of steel clouding his true emotions. _what’s he really thinking?_ he wondered as he got pushed out the door, onto the front porch.

 

“i’m so sorry, shouyou.”

 

\---

 

kenma was an enigma. he was small, but had bite. he was submissive, but could damn well pack a punch. he was hot and cold, sometimes inviting and sometimes withdrawn. shouyou managed to overcome that, though. they hadn’t known each other for long, probably only five months, but they got close, _and fast_. kenma quickly became shouyou’s best friend, and something more for the orange-haired boy. but most of the time, kenma was anxious. scared of being ridiculed. feeling as though he was a mistake. shouyou remembered a conversation he had with him a couple of  months before the incident.

_ne shouyou…_

_-kenma?? what is it?_

_have you ever made a couple break up?_

_-no??? kenma?????_

_they broke up after so long just because of me, she said it and i_ heard __her shouyou.__

__it was my parents. they’re getting divorced._ _

_-kenma.._

_i don’t know what to even think._

_maybe if i wasn’t so… me?_

_-that’s a bs reason, if they_ _won’t claim responsibility_ _themselves, so be it._

_-there’s nothing wrong w you._

_how do you know that?? it’s my fault._

_it’s because of me, shouyou_

 

so loving kenma was a mistake. shouyou knew it would end bad. there was no way kenma could reciprocate. kenma needed comfort-- needed support. shouyou could settle with that. he could live with that. he could deal with that.

 

until he couldn’t.

 

it was all inuoka’s fault, really. he was completely prepared with pining for eternity. but inuoka _had_ to come in and ruin it all. (although really, he could never say that out loud. inuoka was too nice.)

 

_hey hinata!! u should confess to ya boii_

_-why should i?? pining is gr9_

_hinataaaa i just got yaku and lev together trust meeeee_

_-...ok fine_

_ye s i ship it harder than fedex gogOGOGO_

 

so shouyou tried. he had high hopes, because hey, they were super close anyway! it wouldn’t be a dramatic change of behavior if they got together. besides, even if he got rejected, they wouldn’t stop talking, they were too close for that!

                                                          ...right?

so, he finally messaged kenma that morning.

 

 _-um, hey kenma!! I wanted to_ _let u know, uh_

_-i rEALLY LIKE YOU UM_

_-LIKE A LOT ALOT AAAAA_

_...shouyou?_

_-fu ck im sorry i_

_can u come to tokyo, like right now_

_please?_

_-um yeah!!! omw_

 

that really should’ve been the warning sign. but shouyou was by no means a smart guy. he took the closest train over to tokyo, wondering what kenma’d say. would he say “i feel the same, shouyou”? shouyou sure hoped that’s what it was.

 

“hey, shouyou…”

 

shouyou turned sharply to the call. kenma stood there, hands fidgeting, in all his kenma glory. “kenma!! How are you?”

 

kenma looked down, apparently not one for words today. “can we… go back to my place? we need to talk.”

 

_we need to talk._

 

they drove back to kenma’s.

 

_we need to talk._

 

shouyou entered the kozume household, following kenma.

 

_we need to talk._

 

they went up the stairs, into kenma’s room.

 

_we need to talk._

 

kenma sat down in his desk chair.

 

_we need to talk._

 

“shouyou, just sit on my bed.”

 

_we need to talk._

 

he sat down.

 

_we need to talk._

 

“so, we need to talk.”

 

shouyou sat up at the words he’d been reciting internally for the past half hour. “um, talk? about what?”

 

kenma laughed drily. “you know, shouyou. about…” he seemed to pause... uncomfortably?

 

_oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no fuck no_

 

“your feelings… towards me. more specifically,” he paused again, as to ready himself.

 

_no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no_

 

“how i can’t accept them.”

 

shouyou hung his head.he should’ve known. it was so obvious, kenma never seemed to be as interested in their conversations as he had. he never had the look in his eye that shouyou did. he never smiled right at him.

 

shouyou only had one question, one thing to say, a final closure.

 

“why? why can’t we try?”

 

kenma smiled, and shouyou could see all the sadness and regret in it, hopefully because he had _led him on so much_ -

 

“because i can’t love you, shouyou. i just can’t.”

 

his vision went blurry. he felt the wet streaks on his face, but he would _not_  admit it, he was _not_ crying because of _stupid kenma and his stupid cute face and his stupid hair and_ -

 

“that’s fucking bullshit, and we both know it, kenma. where’s my goddamn closure?! you fucking _owe me that much, you_ -”

 

“shouyou. i need you.”

 

he blinked. _what?_

 

“i… you know what’s been happening with me. i’m unstable right now- all the time, really- and you’re a constant, and i _need_ that, shouyou. you have to understand. i… can’t risk losing you. i can’t risk breaking up and breaking contact because as selfish as it is, i need you to _stay_ shouyou.” kenma was crying now, too. he turned his gaze upwards, and kenma looked at shouyou hopefully. “i hope you understand.”

 

shouyou wanted to understand. but… “do you understand what you just said? you just told me that you want me to stay? that i should still be by your side?” shouyou scoffed. “how selfish _are_ you?”

 

kenma looked down. this enraged shouyou further, because he should _say something, damn it_ . _say anything, and i’d stay. time and time again, i’d stay, but just give me a reason to._

 

b u t   h e   s a i d   n o t h i n g .

 

shouyou lost it. “i’m fucking _done_ kenma i’ve helped you with _so fucking much_ and the _one goddamn thing i say, you shut me down. i’m through._ ”

 

kenma nodded. “then get out.”

 

shouyou blinked. “...what?”

 

kenma focused his gaze on the other boy, nearly burning through shouyou’s amber eyes. Kenma paused again, and steeled his voice. “get. out. of tokyo, maybe even my life for a while. just...” kenma walked up to shouyou, and sharply smacked the top of his head before continuing. “get it together. stay with me as my friend, or just leave me. your choice, _hinata_.”

 

the words stabbed shouyou in the heart. in the whole time shouyou knew kenma, he had always called him by his given name, _never_ bothering to use his family name.

 

kenma meant business. so what would he choose?

 

shouyou smiled, even though tears were streaming down his cheeks, even though his eyes were red and puffy, even though _his heart was shattered_ , and said,

 

“i’ll be back.”

 

kenma inhaled sharply. the words were so vague, but kenma _knew_ what shouyou was insinuating.

 

_i’ll still love you._

 

kenma shot straight out of his desk chair. his heart was racing, because _damn_ that boy was stubborn. “you have to go, shouyou.”

 

shouyou smiled at the sound of his actual name, but soon realized what kenma had actually said. “what? why?”

 

kenma grimaced. “you... need time to think this over, as well as i do. go home, shouyou. go to your friends.” in spite of everything, kenma smirked. “it’s not like i’ll be much of one right now. Go talk to tadashi, or tobio. you really don’t need me right now.”

 

shouyou jumped up, ready to argue, but kenma just waved him off. “seriously, shouyou. go home. you forget i need time too.”

 

kenma led shouyou down, and shouyou wanted to protest, wanted to say _“no, kenma i_ need _you right now.”_ but it was too late. kenma was already opening the door.

 

shouyou turned kenma around, sharply. kenma protested as he was grabbed into a hug by shouyou, seemingly never wanting to let go.

 

 

kenma pushed the other away, with a facade of steel clouding his true emotions. _what’s he really thinking?_ shouyou wondered as he got pushed out the open door, onto the front porch.

 

“i’m so sorry, shouyou,” was the last thing he heard before the loud slam of the door hit his ears.

 

shouyou smiled. “i love you, kenma.”

 

shouyou turned around and let out a large breath that he didn't even know he was holding. he went on his way to the train station.

 

shouyou boarded the train, and looked out the window, smiling. he watched as the tokyo skyline faded into miyagi countryside.

 

 

he left tokyo, but not his feelings.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so rry i made hina say what i wanted to say in the situation but couldn't :'(


End file.
